Onward Christian Soldiers, Forward Muslim Army By Pius Adesanmi.

I always wonder why, of all the faiths through which humanity has expressed spirituality across the ages, Christianity and Islam have always offered the worst ambassadors of the two prophets whose holy names they purport to profess.

Last week, in America, legions of earthly ambassadors of Jesus Christ, who profess guns, the American flag, Fox News, and Jesus Christ in that order of importance, descended on Cleveland. This category of ambassadors of Christ tends to disturb the peace of the rest of us with high-decibel proclamation of family values and other ingredients of fundamentalist Christianity - especially if such Christianity allows for white racial supremacy.

Then we hear news that the moment these fundamentalist ambassadors of Christ checked into their hotel rooms in Cleveland, there was a noticeable spike in pay-per-view demands for pornographic films. Porn channels experienced a boom in Cleveland last week and are now lamenting the departure of the family values Christians...

These American fundamentalist Christians also regularly invade places like Uganda, Nigeria, Zimbabwe and other countries in Africa where the persecution of gays is rife. They pump money into such countries to strengthen the heavy hand of Christianity in the persecution of gays. The only problem is that, often, their Pastors in America get tired of living a double life. Then, they come out of the closet... Only God knows how many fundamentalist American Pastors secretly rejoice whenever another state legalizes marijuana.

In Nigeria, the Muslim kinsmen of American Christian fundamentalists are some of the worst ambassadors of the Holy Prophet that Islam has to offer, especially those in public office. They steal public money all the time to go to Mecca. Then they return and hide from the Muslim ummah. They waste public funds in breaking beer bottles because they don't like alcohol. Yet a significant part of the allocation they collect from the centre is from VAT on alcohol. None of them has ever been able to reject the percentage of their revenue which comes from tax on alcohol. The irony is that part of the money they steal to go to Mecca comes from tax on alcohol.

Now we hear that in Kano, they have successfully killed the establishment of a film village because of the "moral laxity" of Nollywood and film in general. In the mammy markets of the north - zones where alcohol and prostitutes are allowed - the open secret is that those who really keep the businesses going are not Igbo and Yoruba infidels. For much of my undergraduate years, I spent my vacations with my Uncle in Sokoto. Every saturday, we would hit mammy market to drink beer and peppersoup. Between 6pm and 11 pm, the customers would mostly be southerners - Igbo, Yoruba, and other infidels from the south.

After midnight, well, the shons of the shoil would start to arrive in disguise. Alhajis coming to drink alcohol and check on the well-being of prostitutes... Some of them would pour the beer into plastic kettles.

If you could be a fly on the wall of those who shot down the film village idea in Kano, you'd find clerics who become something else after midnight. You'd find puritanical Hisbah officers who return as midnight customers to the same beer parlours they hound during the day.

Why are Christianity and Islam so adept at attracting these kinds of ambassadors?